I know it is late, I shouldn’t be writing any more things, especially when I just written an almost 1500 words essay and when my eyes are almost blind but I think, I think I just need to do so as I really wish to see today as a fresh new beginning of whatever happened the past few days.

3am.

This year hasn’t been a good year for me. The beginning of the year I had some conflicts with some of my close friends and it turned out pretty bad. I really tried hard to make things better but somehow it got worse. I wanted to flee from my problems, I decided I should take a break and OSIP was a good way out. I got what I wanted, I spent 62 days away from home, away from everything familiar and away from problems and I had to admit, I was much happier when I didn’t had to think of things I didn’t want to or see things I don’t wish to see. 

Coming back, I become a more solo person. I don’t want to mix with people and I detest interaction, I feel like I am more defensive, and I don’t like the idea of going to school at times. School used to be a good place, I’m not saying it isn’t good now but going to school reminds me of things I don’t wish to be reminded of. I remembered going to school and avoiding common areas of my course. I still am now, just not as obvious. I don’t want to talk to people as much as I used to, I just want to be left alone from time to time. & if I really had to, I would just choose to face people who truly knows me.

I tried being friendly sometimes, but it doesn’t work, so might as well not do it, at least I don’t put myself and the other party in an awkward situation. I only want to go to school when Y is around because only around Y, I feel better, I feel like I can breathe, and I feel safer, in a way. When I see familiar people, I would rather take another route. It isn’t because I am afraid but I am too tired. I really rather be left on my own than be in that kind of situation.

The year is coming to an end, and I thought that was it to all my problems of the year and I can enjoy the last 2 months of 2011, I even had plans, Christmas, sleepover, clubbing, part-time job. I was excited to be who I really am when I came back. I was happy but it didn’t last long for me. It seems like 2011 doesn’t like me being happy.

Problems arise in my family.

It was there and then, I realized how defensive I really am, and that deep deep deep down, a small part of me is scared, but of what, I have no idea.  This thought terrifies me. It really does and I am trying hard to fight with that scared person in me. I had to write in my personal diary  in order to convince myself that everything is ok. I don’t wish to reach a state where I allow fear to overpower me. I know that I have no rights to fall or breakdown, not now, not in the near future.

I thank the school for being so understanding and so nice to my situation. I felt touched that Yong is helping me with no questions asked. I recalled requesting to skip night class last evening, and he said “OK!” immediately, without asking me anything. I was close to tears because I was helpless then. I recalled texting Yong and he showed concern immediately. I remembered talking to Jeff for almost 2 hours, and he sat there patiently, allowing me to rearrange my thoughts, and hear me all the way and he immediately knew what and how he could help me. Even Elvis, he has no idea what is going on, but he really cheered me up. And Chee Lie too, his tone to me today was so very much different from normal. I could tell he is very worried, very concern, but he didn’t pry, but if I needed help, he will be there, the school would be there. Even Morris was concerned when he saw me. I told my mum, I am so glad to have all these lecturers backing me up. If not for them, I don’t think I have the strength to get through it.

And to all my friends who helped me, Shermeen, Kent, Ting, Yanting, Stella, really, 24/7 standby, being there almost immediately when I needed help, and just like the lecturers, no questions asked. Even Roy and Joanne didn’t blame me but instead showed concern, Roy especially. I really am very grateful to all these people. & they plus a few others, name I can’t mentioned here, are the reasons that make me not want to give up.

Many people can say I have changed. Some think is bad, others think it is good. I will just let them judge me. Right now, as I told Jeff, I have no energy and time to care what others think of me anymore.

I feel so glad, saying all these. Sorry if you actually read finish everything, seeing its pretty long and such small fonts. I just feel a tad better & in situations like this, a tad makes a whole lot of difference.