I really want to get away from time to time, especially when I need a breather. I really can’t can’t can’t stand my them sometimes.

Look, I’m 18. I’m old enough to decide what I want.
I want to learn manual driving instead of auto ok!

I know what it’s gonna be like, I know I’m in for a rough time, I know I may end up failing the test, but I want to take it alrights. & I decided that if should I fail, I will pay for my own fees from then on. You just have to pay for the one set. If I fail, I will take responsibility for the fees myself. Die, I also will ok! So you can don’t worry about the money. The problem with parents is that they actually believe their kids will fail. I have no idea why, why they do not have faith in their children. I don’t see my parents going, “don’t worry, i have confidence in you.” I wish they can tell me that, so even if I’m shaking inside, there will be that boost of confidence. & I do need that kind of support sometimes. In fact, I think all kids need that support sometimes. Crap.

And I’m not the only one in the family who takes manual driving ok! My cousins all take manual. What the fuck is wrong with taking manual?
I get the point about it being difficult and if I fail, I would have to retake which is another sum of money. I get it but who says test must opt for the easy way out? Only the cowards will opt the easy way out. Only the lazy people will opt the easy way out. If I have to pay the same amount of money and get to learn manual and auto, why not? Auto still need take extra test leh!

And my dear parents, you all always complain that I’m not growing up. YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?!
That’s because you make my choice for me and I become reliant on you all and I don’t want that at all. People see this as protective but it’s overbearing.
I rather you guys let me fall, let me pain, then let me stand up on my own again. But no, you guys don’t. You guys choose to put carpet on my road, and like that is not enough, at the side of the road still got springs, so if I fall, it won’t be too hard. But that’s not going to make me grow up. That’s just gonna make my life more difficult when I go out to the society alone. Get the point that, I will leave you guys’ protection one day and stand on my own 2 feet. It’s my dream to independent away from you. And yes, even monetary wise. So I also decided, I will not ask a single cent from you all, other than my allowance and this set of driving. Everything else is up to me. If I want to shop, I want to go out and whatever, all money will be take from my allowance or my savings, my own piggy-bank savings.

Anyway, for me is just lesser shopping and probably lesser good food. I would probably shop once every 3 to 4 months. That should save quite a bit.
And yeah, its gonna come down real hard on me, especially on a person like me, when materialistic wishes are always piling. But I got to put a stop to it, and I am determined, dead serious.

If I want to leave their wings, I need to do something. I’m sick and tired of them not trusting me in what I do. All I need is basic trust. I don’t get why my friend’s family trust them so much but you guys don’t, I just don’t get it. I’m not a very bad girl from the start, probably I just don’t wanna obey some of your instructions, and sometimes I give chao bin, but I am still considered obedient ok! I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t gamble and I don’t associate with people who are on the bad company. I don’t stay out late at night, partying or whatever, heck! I still follow your curfew lor! I have friends, girlfriends, returning home at midnight, whose parents are not worried if they are out too late, who stays over at their friends house or chalets, ALL THE TIME! But me?! NO! I DON’T! I follow a curfew that ends at 9pm! 9 freaking pm! What? Want me come back watch Rui En with you all is it?! Hang on, I do come back at 9pm. And I don’t even go out till 9pm all the time lor! Sometimes I’m even afraid of asking if I can come home late. I’m 18 years old already leh! Why am I still afraid of asking this kind of thing?! WHY? Even staying over at chalet, I literally have to beg one leh! I have to catch the correct moment and ask! Don’t say that. Even dying my hair also need to beg, and best of all, beg ready still say NO! I don’t even freaking dare to be rebellious la, especially when the kind of father I have. If it were other kids, and they would to lead my life, I bet they rebellious until go boy/girl’s home already lor.
WHAT THE FuCK IS THIS? WHAT KIND OF TEENAGE LIFE AM I LEADING?!

And although my cousin also leads a life like mine, but at least her parents respects her decision.
I listen to you all, I respect whatever things you are decide for me and I understand it’s probably for my own good, but that is one matter.
What about what I want? What I desire? What I wish to have? Have you all ever thought about it? Have you all ever discuss about it?

I am who I am now because you all made me this way! I’m not a girl who would spend money on shopping all the time if you all didn’t educate me this way.
From young, you all give me what I want. I want a scooter, you guys get me one, I want this I get this, I want that I get that. I love that way when I was young, because I can have what I want and probably other kids will never have it at all. You all always tell me that for me, if its a problem money can solve, then its not a problem. You drilled this in my mind, making me having no idea how to manage finance. Even if I try to save, I still see myself choosing a 2bucks cake rather than a 1buck cake. And you guys will say its ok and I really believe its alright. It is not alright!

Now, I don’t want all this. I really don’t. My desires now are simple, easily fulfilled but it never will be.
My wish is just for one of you, to bring in a drink, whatever drink it may be when I’m stress during my work and tell me to jiayo.
My wish is just for one of you, to cover up my blankets when I kicked it away in the middle of the night.
My wish is just for one of you, to really see me as me.

But I know none of this will ever happen.

At 18, I still feel upset when I see my cousin and their sibling having good times together. Even if Connie scolds Hardie all the time, even if Tez and Terence are away from home, the misses that Teni has is inevitable. I wished I had someone who cares about me that way. I see everytime, the interaction my cousin had with their siblings, and I look back at myself, I feel super lonely inside and I wonder who ever will care for me that way.

I will never ever forget that scene when Tez was sitting in between me and Terence in the car and she fell asleep, lying on Terence’s shoulder, all so comfortably and safe and Terence would be adjusting his shoulders and position so that his sister who was much shorter than him would feel more comfortable than she already is and when I saw it, I smiled, but once I turn back to myself, the only thing I found out that I could lean on was the window pane. And a single teardrop just row down my face. Nobody ever notices that I cry. Nobody ever notices that I am weak. Nobody ever notices that there are times when I wish I too had a strong shoulder to really lean on.

Enough said. I had enough of this life.