You know, its so fucking hard to keep that promise and probably I should thank god that he doesn’t read my blog.
So at least I have a space to pour out my sorrows about my relationship with him.

As much as I love him, actually, I can no longer tell what love is. Really.
Maybe because our honeymoon days have slipped away so silently, I suddenly find it hard to breathe.
Every time I chat with him, it is oh-so-difficult not to have a sigh in my heart.

I am trying to keep my promise, to keep it down, keep it to myself, or at least, keep it from him so he have his own space to breathe.
He told me the other day not to expect anything from him. I know that really well, the “not to expect anything from him” part, it is like engraved in that tiny place in my heart but although I know it, when it came out from his mouth, it’s as though an arrow pierce through me because it’s like a force asking me to face the truth that I cannot expect anything from him. At least if he didn’t say it, I will hold a hope, that probably I can still feel his love, that at the end of the day, I can get a sign of comfort. Now, it’s tarnish.

I feel so single suddenly. I feel like a toy, a shelter, a source of comfort, like the sun, giving him energy but I can ask for nothing in return but yet, I am willing to be treated like this with no complains at all. It’s like he has a girlfriend but I don’t have a boyfriend. However, he is no longer a need, he is just a want now. In the past, when something happen, I would need him to be with me, to comfort me but now, he is just a want, he is a choice.

Something bad happen two days back, I wanted to talk to him, to hear him say that things are alright, things would be fine but at the end of the day, I didn’t, I told him not to call. What does this imply? That now I can stand alone? Argh.

Long distance relationship is hard. It’s difficult. It’s not as easy as you think. 7 months is short, but yet it is long.
I am tired of this long distance shit, so fking tired of it. but heck, I don’t have a choice. It’s just another 138 days. I can do this.